NeuraBlanket AI

Engineered for those who demand comfort and computational power, the NeuraBlanket AI is more than a blanket - it's an experience. Featuring patented Cognitive Thermal Mapping, Sentient Softness, and our proprietary MoodSync algorithm, the NeuraBlanket learns your emotional temperature and adjusts accordingly.

Whether you’re cold, cozy, or existentially spiraling - NeuraBlanket knows.

• Auto-regulates based on your feelings and your finances

• Pairs with your smart home and possibly your subconscious

• Embroidered by machine-learning-enabled llamas (that's what our supplier, Luke's college roommate, says)

• Comes preloaded with over 300 hours of guided blanket meditation

Note: Don't be a "wet blanket" (literally, exposure to water will turn the blanket into a non-AI-enabled one that's no different than you could get at the clearance rack at HomeGoods).

Price: $4,999.99 (Financing available: $833.33/month for 6 months if you whisper “I need and deserve this” to your reflection first.)